Zabaan Sambhal Ke

Ramesh is an ordinary middle class child with ordinary middle class values and ordinary middle class sensibilities. Ramesh goes to a local school and leads a very peaceful life with his parents. Ramesh’s parents are not educated and run a small shop that just saves them from falling into ‘lower’ income group.

Scene 1:

Ramesh gets an opportunity to visit a big IT MNC. Ramesh’s parents were always fascinated by the professional looking, fluent English speaking employees of such MNCs and wished that he gets a job in one of the MNCs when he grows up.

Ramesh enters the office and attends the guided tour. He is amazed at the infrastructure. He thinks he is ‘living’ the movies he saw on Doordarshan. He is awestruck at the fluency in which they spoke English. However, he gets separated from the group. He feels like being in a maze which looks similar in all directions. While trying to get his way out, he gets the slice of the lives of IT professionals.

He hears a man addressing his female colleague as a female dog. He hears a professionally dressed girl laughing and exclaiming at the coitus. As he makes his way through the maze, he sees a man near a coffee vending machine. His facial expression said that he was drinking some really bad tasting drink. However, Ramesh was surprised to hear him say that the coffee drank instead of he drinking the coffee. He sees the symbol of a staircase and walks towards it. On the way, he finds a suited employee asking his colleague to copulate off. He finally reaches the staircase where he finds his group.

Being a reserved person that Ramesh is, he didn’t share his experience in detail with his family.

In the night, after a long day's work, Ramesh’s father urges him to be like the IT professionals he visited that day

Scene 2:

It’s 7:00 am and the mercury reads 40. Ramesh’s father is dropping him to school. He is taking his usual route which passes through a slum. Ramesh sees two women fighting for a bucket of water. The communication which is in Hindi is decorated with expletives. The women did not forget to bring the relatives of the other in the conversation and gave creative adjectives to them. Ramesh was observing the fight with curiosity. Ramesh’s father pulled him and increased his speed. A few steps ahead, a group of children from the slum were playing cricket. While playing, what appeared out of camaraderie, the children referred (in Hindi) to things related to the biological process of reproduction. Ramesh was again listening to them.

Ramesh’s father briskly walks past the slum. He tells Ramesh that people from good families don’t talk in such a language. Only people from slums do so. He urges Ramesh to not be like them.

Ramesh is left confused.


PS: I wanted to write this post a couple of weeks back but was thinking of how to write it without using the actual expletives. Hope, I was able to convey the thought without the use of any 'such' words.

All the World's a Stage

Acting is an art - and a tough one at that. How many really good actors have you seen? Om Puri, Naseeruddin Shah. Nop, Salmaan Khan is a star and so is Uday Chopra. But, actors don't just work in films. Try looking a little 'local' - Was Pankaj's acting as a jaundice patient any less than Pallavi Joshi's? Wasn't the teacher and even you (despite knowing that he had gone on a holiday) fooled? Didn't Vishwanath act brilliantly in praising his mother-in-law for the food that she prepared which a cat would prefer to terminate all her nine lives to eating that food. Didn't Amin gave an IIFA winning performance when he pushed the bug under the carpet in front of the senior management? And how can we forget Siddhu's brilliant laughter in the Laughter Challenge?

Looking at all these performances day-in-and-day-out i wonder how these people manage to act so well. Acting, indeed, is a gift is blessed with. And what makes it worse is that acting cannot be easily learnt. I have seen people failing miserably to pretend. But, it's not all that gloomy.

With the advent of technology the way we communicate has changed. Communication has become more real-time and online. Imagine that the girl/guy, whom you loved (or had crush for) but never confessed/proposed to, decides to 'go around' with someone else and shares that news with you. In the larger-than-life world of the past you would not only need to be a good actor, but would also need the help of rain to hide your tears and Manpreet Akhtar singing Tujhe Yaad Na Meri Aayi. And only then would you been able to act and give fake emotions (refresh your memory by visiting the above embedded youtube link). But if it were now, things would have been difference. Rahul Khanna would have emailed Anjali Sharma:

Hi Anjali,

PFA my proposal letter to Tina. I had been loving her in the back burner. But looks like the time is right to propose her. Please review the love letter and let me know your comments

Thanks,

 Rahul Khanna

~ Rahul Khanna ladkiyon ke peechhe nahi bhaagta

 To which Anjali would reply back

Hi Rahul,

The proposal letter looks good. Please go ahead and mail it to her. I am sure she'll accept! All the best. I am happy for you :)


Cheers,
Anjali
~ Rahul is a cheater, he is a cheater.

Simple. Isn't it? The social networking and microblogging tools are not there to make your life difficult. It's not only about learning the new tools and jargon, or unlearning the old ones or re-learning the new versions. It's much more than that.

One fine morning on your Facebook you get an update from a friend informing you that your classmate who used to consistently get lower than fifty percent of your score has got a new job and is getting four times your salary. You immediately send him a 'congratulations!' message with dollops of exclamation marks and choicest of emoticons. Had the friend told it to you face-to-face, it would have been difficult to hide your feelings. Isn't it?

One of your friends applied to the same university you applied to. He manages to clear first few rounds while you beat Agarkar in who-gets-more-ducks game. But then, the friend somehow doesn't clear the final round. He tweets it. You reply back with, again, choicest of emoticons to express how sorry you were. Though, in your heart of hearts, you would be feeling very happy. Imagine if he had told this to you in person! How difficult would it have been to your elation! :(

So, the online tools has, essentially, made acting easy for us. They are giving learn-acting-in-20-days and acting-for-dummies books a tough competition - competition analogous to what CDs are giving to gramophone records. Not because they are easily available on the Internet but because no one really needs it. All a person needs to know to 'act' is the use of emoticons and exclamation marks.

In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if the 'if-you-are-happy-and-you-know' song gets a new avatar to suit the next generation. It would 'sound' something like:

If you're happy and you know it, use ten bangs

If you're happy and you know it, use ten bangs 

If you're happy and you know it,

and you really want to it

If you're happy and you know it, use ten bangs 

 I would leave you with something we have grown up with - Gabbar Singh's laughter in Sholay [the laughter starts at 4:26].




How would have Gabbar said this on his social networking online tool? Simple. He would have said:

lol

 Yep. That's it. Check the following video out if you have any doubts.



Indeed, becoming actor was never so easy. You didn't necessarily have to change your father's name to Yash Chopra. With anyone and everyone becoming an actor, the world has, finally become a stage.

Shakespeare must have done well in futures stock!

Your Pet Peeves

[This is a follow-up post to My Pet Peeves. I know this was long due, but i was waiting for some more comments before posting them]

vigneshjvn: You might also mention the replacement of every punctuation mark with an ellipsis. Part of the SMS-ese lingo. It runs thus, "m gr8...hw bt u...." Sad pligh

I share this pet peeve. It makes sense to write lyk dis in SMS as you save characters, but why ryt it dat way in email or IM or in a formal piece?

Krishna: Also people use Ki instead of 'that'.

Krishna ji - A lot of other people also told me ki 'ki' is commonly (mis)used work mostly among the Hindi speaking people.

Lavanya: "Seriously" - as a substitute for 'yes, of course' or rather any exclamation.

My pet peeves (from the rest of the world,including me)
a) "like" : used as a filler word, after every two words uttered!
b) "na,re,ya"
c) "No problem" : for the reasons you suggested. Unfortunately, I picked this up overtime .

Imagine Lavanya taking a job interview!

Lavanya: Tell me something about yourself.
Interviewee: Seriously! OK. Myself Intrvwie. I have one father like i have one mother. I like to sing songs. And that also only David Dhawan movies'. Like. I also like to put make up and wear new dresses.
Lavanya: Do you know C?
Interviewee: ya. Seriously. all programs start with 'void main()' na.
Lavanya: [Gosh, this girl doesn't even know the signature of main()] Anyway, tell me - what is a static variable?
Interviewee: Na re. There is nothing like a static variable. Like see. It's simple. Either something is static or it is variable. Like, it can either change (variable) or remain the same (static). ya. there is nothing like a static variable
Lavanya: [Completely pissed off] Thank You. We'll inform you whether you are selected through email
Interviewee: No problem.

Lalit Vashishta: This was fulltu fun to read. yr writing is fundu re. total tp.
'You know' this is the typical style all have picked up you know. cum on yaar, you are taking this too far, na.

deicider: We are waiting for you,cum here immediately"."Come" has been replaced by "cum"

Alpesh: By the way, apart from "re" ther's another one that i use quite often this days and it's "common yar"

This perhaps is because, people think the four lettered word, like a few other four lettered words, is offensive. They prefer the more politically correct and socially accepted three lettered word, you know? This is common yaar!

Cheers!

MJ-LOTD: Party, eh?

If you want to attend a party you are not invited to, the below link would be helpful.

Matthew's Party

In case you are planning to host a party and want to inform your neighbours about the possible increase in decibel level, do make it 'sober' so the David Thorne in them is not too excited to mess your party.

BTW, David Thorne, the writer of the above website, is an amazing humorist. I browsed the entire website and found real humour there - something which wouldn't command you to laugh but would compel you. This one, on debt recovery, is also amazing

Hindi Hai Hum?

Kapil Sibal with his basket of reforms, whether good or not, has done one great thing. It has brought education back into the public debate. Though his proposed educational reforms were released a few months back, the discussion on We the People yesterday brought to forth different perspectives on the 'three language formula' proposed by Kapil Sibal. He has urged the state boards to follow the three language formula with the vernacular-Hindi-English subjects at the school level.

This has instigated the age old debate - the one that was started in the 1930s. The two viewpoints are - the Hindi speaking states in India think that Hindi should be the langua franca. While the non-Hindi speaking states (especially Tamil Nadu) do not agree to that point. The first such conflict was seen in 1937-38 when the Congress Government of Madras Presidency under Rajagopalachari tried to make Hindi a compulsory subject in schools. Anit-Hindi imposition protests, finally, led to withdrawal of compulsory teaching of Hindi in 1940

Take two. After the independence, in 1950, Hindi was chosen as the national language of India by constituent Assembly. But, again, because of the protests of the non-Hindi speaking states, the resolution was deferred for 15 years.

Take three. In 1965, protests from the DMK and other regional parties, led Lal Bahadur Shastri, the then Prime Minister, to give up the agenda of making Hindi as THE national language. [source]

Take four. It's Kapil Sibal now - who is, in a way, trying to reiterate 1938, 1959 and 1965. So, essentially, what Sibal is proposing is nothing new. We have seen this many times in the history. One of the arguments against Sibal's proposal is that why should only the South learn Hindi? Why shouldn't the North learn a South Indian language? Hindi is just another regional language just as Tamil, Telugu, or Bengali is. The 'hindiwalas' argue that since the majority of the population in India speak Hindi, the others should also learn the language.

While being jingoistic about the language, we are forgetting the purpose of having a language: to communicate our thoughts and ideas. Sure, there are very strong cultural connotations to it, but the basic function remains the same - to communicate.

Our school followed three language formula - even before Kapil sabil proposed it. So, I studied English and Hindi till class XII and Bengali for two years - VII and VIII. Despite two years of formal education in Bengali, i was not very fluent in it. This is because, apart from the 45 mins class, i never felt the necessity to communicate in Bengali. In Kolkata, one doesn't need to know Bengali. But, when i joined the university, there was suddenly a need to learn Bengali as most people around, especially the 'babus' spoke Bengali. And that was it. I picked up the language in the first few months itself. The point i am trying to make is that what i couldn't learn in two years, i learned in a few months because there was a necessity. Of course, my two years of formal education made it easy.

When I was in Hyderabad, where again, one doesn't need to know Telugu, I picked up a few words of Telugu. This was because of my social initiative, Vriddhi. We go to schools of the under-privileged and conduct various workshops. Now, these children do not know Hindi or English well. They know only Telugu. So, i learned a few frequently used words to get by. Again, the point i am trying to make is that i learned Telugu (though just to get by) to help me in my social initiative (Vriddhi).

The resident 'Hindiwalas' don't feel the need for learning a South Indian language and south Indians don't feel the need to learning Hindi. However, both feel the need of learning English. This is strange because, English was brought to us by the Britishers who made India their colony and were not particularly liked by the Indians. Nevertheless, we still learn English. This is because of the immense opportunity it brings in. We forget about our past experiences with the British and learn English. So, clearly, it's more about demand and supply than about culture. If there is a demand for a particular language, one would definitely learn it.

For the non-Hindi speaking states, it make sense to adopt the three language formula. There is no harm to learn one more language. And, if given a choice to select the third language, Hindi would have been the obvious answer as Hindi would empower a person from a non-Hindi speaking state to connect to more people than any other language would. Pranab Mukherjee said that he cannot become the Prime Minister because he cannot speak Hindi. Also, his broken Hindi, perhaps caused a rift between him and Laloo.

Having said that, which language should a 'hindiwala' learn? If i were in a position to influence, i would propose the following:

Map a Hindi speaking state to a non-Hindi speaking state. The mapping, of course, would not to one-to-one. Now, these states should help each other in various aspects - like in trade, education, governance, etc. It's like the 'buddy program' in various universities. The Hindi speaking state, then learns the language of the buddy non-Hindi speaking state. This will boost cultural exchange, trade and travel between the states - which in turn would aid in development of India.

Indian are comfortable with plurality. And this plurality, if not replaced by narrow jingoism, can help in making India not only a more developed country but also a model of others to learn from.

Think...

My Pet Peeves

Everyone has his/her pet peeves - something which is not unacceptable but something which, kind of, annoys him. Here are a few of my pet peeves

Anyways. This really sounds i-also-English kinds. Have we ever read, in any of our text books, the word 'anyways'? The correct word, anyway, is 'anyway' – and surprisingly, everyone knows it – even those who use 'anyways' in every other sentence they speak. But still they use it - perhaps, to sound 'cool'. You think it's just 'no-problems' to use it?

Sarvanan: You know, radio was invented by Marconi
Swetha: No re. Radio was not invented by Marconi. It was invented by Tesla
Sarvanan: I told you na that I referred to Wiki and Wiki cannot be wrong re.
Swetha: Is it? I'll need your help in Googling, Sarvanan
Sarvanan: err...
Swetha: Will you help me na!

[Link to who-invented-radio dispute]

Sa re ga ma pa dha ni may be music to my ears but 're' and 'na' are definitely not. There is also the English-version of it. 'Na' maps to 'no'. “I told you no that the pani puri is not hyginic. Now see. You fell ill no”

No problem – This phrase may have become famous after Suzuki Samurai's ad. But this is something which people use so often when they don't intend to use it. “No problem” is not a replacement for “you are welcome”. While filing a complaint with a service provider, I got, kind of, annoyed when the customer service executive returned a 'no problem' for my 'thank you' . Does she mean it's not a problem for her to take my complaint? She should be, rather, sorry. I am sure she didn't mean the 'no-problem' in the literal sense and gave it as an obvious return for a 'thank you'.

'Only' is being used to mean 'hi' in Hindi – Like, 'maine hi use kaha jane ki liye' translates to 'i only asked her to go'. Now don't laugh after reading it twice. If you go back from 'i only asked her to go' to Hind you land up at 'maine use jane ki liye hi kaha' which is completely different from the original sentence!

Exclamation mark. This has become a subsitute for other punctuation marks like full stop and question mark. Unnecessary use of '!' doesn't make the writing more exclamatory. Neither does it shows that the writer is 'exclaiming'. Personally, it annoys me. I wish the word processors removed those unnecessary exclamation marks. Or the email solutions mark those emails with a dollop of exclamation marks as spam. BTW, even the smileys don't mean you are smiling. It's very annoying when you get something like - “You are fired! :)”

Another pet peeve of mine in my childhood days was the use of 'Teacher's Day' instead of 'Teachers' Day'. It was a different feeling altogether to see beautifully designed and decorated charts wishing 'Happy Teacher's Day'.

It's not that i am some language expert or that i don't make errors. I am sure i do. And you can find a host of them in this blog. But i guess everyone has a right to 'have' pet peeves :)

Do share your pet peeves with us and also if i happen to be using any of yours in my posts.

Cheers.

Nothing Fishy

Having stayed in Kolkata for about a couple of decades, I am asked by a lot friends/colleagues - 'why do Bengalis like fish (to the extent of being a fish outside water in case they don't get to eat fish) so much?' More often than not, it's the third question they ask me when i lunch with a new 'friend'.

BTW, a lot of bengalis (humorously) say that fish is vegetarian! A few people, (irrespective of their degree of Bong-connection) however, are not sure if it's vegetarian, non-vegetarian or semi-vegetarian! [see this].

Anyway, getting back to the question at hand: I could just give the 'new friends' the obvious/clichéd environmental/availability/historical reasons [I am not going to say that in detail here]. George Bernard Shaw gave me another reason for Bengalis' love towards fish. The reason being - the word, currently spelled as ef-eye-es-eych and pronounced as 'fish', can be spelled as 'ghoti'!

[As per Wiki] Ghoti is a constructed example used to illustrate irregularities in English spelling. It is a respelling of the word fish, and like fish is pronounced /ˈfɪʃ/. It has,
gh, pronounced [f] as in tough;
o, pronounced [ɪ] as in women; and
ti, pronounced [ʃ] as in nation.

[Again, quoting from Wiki], The Ghotis are the people of western Bengal, who have a culture, traditions, and cuisine distinct from their Bangal counterparts of Bengal.

However, a section of the society believes that the first reference to fish being spelled as jee-eych-oh-ti-eye (ghoti) was seen before Shaw [Link]

In any case, i have got yet another answer to the third question a 'new' friend generally asks - though it is just half an answer.

Looking for a way to spell 'fish' as Bee-ay-en-jee-ay-el to complete my answer.